Life Kicked Me Around a Little, but I’m Back and I’ll Never Quit Fighting

Hello, friends!

I’ve been away for a long time, but so much has happened in that time and I’m finally inspired to write again, so I’m back to share it all with you and see what has been happening in your lives!

To recap the past 10 months of my life, a lot of which I’ll further explore in (near) future posts:

1. My grandfather, with whom I was very close, passed away last November. It was just a couple of weeks after I ran what has become my most recent half marathon as of this posting. He was 88 years strong and I was blessed to be able to speak with him in person just a couple of weeks before his passing – so overall I’m at peace with it, but it affected me and my relationship with running in ways I didn’t fully understand and come to terms with until very recently.
2. Six months ago, I left behind Corporate America and the auditing/accounting professions and am now very happily employed as an analyst at a small, 4-year old company that focuses on news and research for the business/economic aspect of the legal cannabis markets in the U.S. How’s that for a change?? It’s also a work from home position, which has allowed me to really make my mental and physical well-being a true priority.
3. I stopped running for six months, gained 10 pounds, and slipped back into depression. I struggled and wallowed in it for a while, but finally sought some help. Out of that has come a lot of new information – in some cases, I have achieved a better understanding of myself and my mental health challenges, and in other instances, more information has only led to further questions and research. The biggest revelations are a tentative diagnosis of bipolar depression with rapid cycling (I’ll elaborate in a future post) and some fascinating things I have even more recently learned about a phenomenon called “precocious puberty” and how it may have played a role in all of my mental health issues.
4. After experimenting with vegetarianism for about 8 or 9 months, I made the decision to re-incorporate meat back into my diet. However, the frequency with which I consume it and the types of meat I now select have changed drastically. I still eat vegetarian meals about 60% to 75% of the time currently.
5. I re-kindled my relationship with running after having a profound insight that it really is key to my mental well-being. But guess what? Not running for six months meant I really had to start small and make very slow, but steady progress. This involved a combination of things such as truly embracing walk breaks, shifting my focus from distance to duration (for now), taking the time to become aware of and improve my posture, and learning to love running purely for its own sake again.

This is an extremely abridged version of everything I have experienced and learned in the past 10 months, all of which I’ll fully explore here over the coming weeks and months. In the interim, I’m just happy to be back participating in the community and reading about your life experiences.

Stay happy!

Becky

Progress and Discipline

A lot of positive things have occurred in the past week and I feel encouraged by several new developments. First, my exploration of vegetarianism has thus far been quite pleasant and rewarding. Second, I think I have turned another corner with progress in recovery from my tibial stress-related injury!

For the past three weeks I have slowly been incorporating jogging/running back into my routine. It started with only being able to jog for half a mile and not being able to try again for a week because my leg was aggravated, to 1 continuous mile twice a week, to 2.5 miles, to today when I ran 3.5 miles! The particularly encouraging thing about today’s run was that it was really more my decreased cardio-pulmonary stamina than my leg that kept me from going further.

I’m really encouraged by this because I know I can build that stamina again fairly quickly and I think it’s a sign that my leg is truly on the mend. It still gets inflamed and I do need to really pay attention to it while running, but it’s feeling so much better. A post-run icing and some Aleve are calming it down within about 30 minutes now. Considering how far I’ve come in 3 weeks where I couldn’t run more than a half mile and it was inflamed for a week, I am quite happy with that progress. Today was really the first time since this injury I felt like my 15K on October 5th was still going to happen. It’s been a good day 🙂

Yesterday was my 5th wedding anniversary. Neal and I both took the day off and went up to Winter Park to reprise a bit of a weekend we took on our first anniversary 4 years ago. We got day passes for the alpine slides (if you don’t know what an alpine slide is, Google it and then make doing this at some point in your life a priority – it’s a thrill that will remind you of being a kid again) and spent the whole day just tooling around the mountain.

Riding up the Zephyr Express chairlift to the top of the peak.

View from the top. Colorado’s majesty never gets old.

Highlights of the day include Neal crashing on the alpine slides (to avoid hitting a girl who was going way too slow to be in the “fast” lane of the ride), getting stuck on top of a slope when they shut the ride down for a while due to rain and deciding we would just hike straight down a ski slope to get to the bottom, and delicious Mexican food for dinner, where I happily ordered veggie enchiladas and they were amazing!

Cutting meat out of my diet hasn’t been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. Of course I say that now while I’m still really enthusiastic about it, but in all sincerity, it hasn’t been that bad. I meal prepped for the week last Sunday and made a concoction out of quinoa, sweet potato, beets, avocado, red pepper, golden raisins, and almonds. It was delicious and took away so much stress and anxiety I have every morning trying to figure out what I’m going to take to work each day for lunch. I just grabbed an already portioned tupperware of this stuff each day along with other snacks like veggies, fruit, and yogurt, and the thought was removed from my week of meals at work. I know some of you whom I follow do this each week too, and I must say, I am a believer now in its benefits!

I ate it cold each day and loved it!

I have been making fruit smoothies with flaxseed or chia seeds for breakfast and eating lighter, but vegetable-filled dinners. I definitely anticipate days or weeks where my resolve for this weakens, but after just one week I feel so much better. As I’m able to continue ramping back up my running mileage over the coming months too, I hope to really get in tune with how fueling my body well helps my running.

The thought I had over and over again today while out on my run was that if I have the discipline to be a runner, I have the discipline to forever change my relationship with food. That’s what’s motivating me right now. That’s my focus.

What’s keeping you going these days?

Becky

“I’m exploring vegetarianism”

We all know in addition to exercise/activity, diet is a huge component of good health. I have even been told by some nutritionists that health and weight loss is really 80% what you put in your face and 20% about the activity level. As someone who doesn’t struggle to be active, but does struggle with their diet, this is a little discouraging. Fear not though, I have been facing this challenge of food-weight-body-image for a long time, and I don’t intend to back down now.

What’s different now, you ask? Well, every day is a new day and I won’t pretend I haven’t ambitiously embarked on a new path before, only to kind of sabotage it at some point and revert to old ways. All I can say is that my progress overall is in a forward moving direction, and when I step back and really examine things in chunks of say 12 months, or 5 or 10 years, I’m light years away from where I used to be. That’s all anyone can really ever ask of themselves.

With that in mind, what I’ve explored before, but would like to re-visit with a different strategy, is the concept of mindful eating/eating with purpose. I have a problem with eating for non-biological reasons like stress, boredom, anger, celebration, etc. and the result is nothing less than treating my body poorly. Period. I know what healthy eating is – in fact – I’m really lucky in that I genuinely love almost all vegetables, fruits, nuts, grains, etc. and love to try new things. I don’t dislike eating healthy, I just tend to 1) have an issue with portion control, and 2) have a sweet tooth. Enough said.

So, I’ll write more in the coming weeks about this experiment, but here’s the gist of it: I’m exploring vegetarianism for an undefined period of time. My reasons are not moral or environmental, but frankly, simply that this will force me to learn more about different sources of nutrition and re-evaluate my relationship with food. If I force myself to try new things in order to nourish my body, learn alternate ways to get essential nutrients, and really tune into how properly fueling my body makes a difference, I am guaranteed to walk away with some new appreciation for food. I may never go back to meat or I may just as easily return to it. However, I know for certain that I want to make a point of reflecting on what I think I know about food and how I eat. “I’m exploring vegetarianism” is how I am putting it. I don’t yet know what I’ll find, but that’s the point of the journey.

Tonight’s dinner consists of this and a big salad, which is totally fine by me 🙂

Also, I want to thank everyone for their support here. It really means a lot that we are strangers scattered across the globe and take the time to be kind to one another. I think that’s pretty cool.

Becky

Identity

I’ve been away for a while, I know. I’m not even sure I’m totally back now, but I felt just a twinge of inspiration this morning, so I thought I would get a few thoughts out before the feeling passes.

In the immediate sense, I’m sitting on my couch right now when I should be in Evergreen having just finished a 10K race. This stress fracture has pretty much completely sidelined me for just shy of 9 weeks now. I’m making progress, seeing a physical therapist, and have just recently been able to jog very short distances at very slow speeds, but to say this is a huge bummer and has tested my mental strength would be a tremendous understatement.

In a larger sense, I have been forced to contemplate my situation – why did I start running? What has running given me? Do those benefits exist (or can they be maintained) in the absence of running? What makes someone a “runner”? Do I have the mental fortitude, will power, desire, and patience to make it through this injury without completely abandoning running and the healthy lifestyle changes I’ve made over the past year? A lot of these questions are largely unanswered in my head right now, and I have found it challenging to find alternative outlets in which to explore them in the absence of running. If I can’t even figure out how to contemplate and sort through these things, how am I going to address them?

I’ve also been giving a lot of thought (the struggle I’m having is that I still have all of these unexplored topics in my mind, but I’m having trouble really tapping into them to resolve them without running) to my relationship with food. To say that it’s unhealthy doesn’t even begin scratching the surface of the issue, however, let’s just leave it at that for now, and let me also simply state that I feel compelled to undergo a fundamental shift in that relationship. I am not quite sure what that change needs to look like, how I’m going to do it, or when I’m finally going to summon the strength to stop making excuses and take the path of most resistance to effect real change in my life. The only thing I know with certainty right now, is that a change must occur. I’m somewhat stuck in a place that is much healthier than where I was 5 years ago, but is by no means close to where I need to end up.

So that’s it for now. I need to exchange some supportive insoles I bought yesterday so that when my leg calms down again in another few days from my jog 3 days ago, I can attempt another 2 mile jog. Slow and steady, right?

Race Recap: Highlands Ranch Independence Day 5K

Happy Independence Day! Despite being injured and having to walk the race, I had a wonderful time with my mom and husband on my favorite holiday all year (Thanksgiving is a close second). The weather just couldn’t be more perfect here today and there was a parade and beer and puppies. It was awesome 🙂

We each dressed up – me and Mom in 4th of July-themed clothing and Neal sporting some Army pride:

He wants to get back into rucking for exercise (walking at a very brisk pace dressed pretty much like this with a 25-60 pound back pack / gear bag). This is a military thing and when soldiers have to haul gear from one camp location to another, you pack up, and ruck/road march for miles and miles. They don’t always travel in nice motorized vehicle convoys, so they have to be prepared to travel like that. The race today really inspired him and he wants to do another 5K together next month where he’s rucking and I’m (hopefully) running. Needless to say, he got many comments on the ensemble (don’t you dare call it an “outfit” ha ha) – especially because the “DV” is for a group called Dysfunctional Veterans and says “Leave Me Alone” in giant letters across the back! It’s basically a group/club/loose collection of guys who have served and will never be the same. The DV Facebook page lets them commiserate, tell stories, bond, be grumpy men together, etc.

The course itself was actually kind of crappy, ha. It wasn’t particularly scenic, wound through a commercial district in Highlands Ranch, had a bitch of a hill at the end (if you were running this thing, you would have to slow to a brisk hike to make it up; this was not just a “oh damn, an uphill stretch” – we hiked up a hill side). It was unnecessarily steep and just frankly not very well thought out. We walked it though and talked the whole way and just had a great time laughing, sweating, people watching, commenting on dogs, etc. At one point near the end, we were laughing about how the blood had rushed to our hands and we needed to walk with our hands up in the air to alleviate “sausage finger syndrome”. Neal added his idea of a special touch to the photo…

This was the sign after the huge hill. Had I been running, that would have royally pissed me off and would surely have blown any chance at a PR. The good thing about walking though is that I was able to take a bunch of pictures during the race. I don’t do that when I run, so that was kind of fun.

My mom very recently decided she wanted to get more active and healthy, so she has been walking on the treadmill for 30 minutes each day. She feels great and has made a lot of progress, but the 3.1 miles (with big hills!) was a challenge for her. She was particularly challenged in the last half mile and even admitted that if she were on the treadmill, she would have quit at that point. We slowed to match her pace and cheer her on to keep her spirits up. I told her it was just a head game, the finish line was just ahead, and that I was proud of her for doing this. She soldiered through and we crossed the finish line with a net time of about 52 minutes (I’ll post the official time when it’s available). I was so proud of both she and Neal! It was actually really special to share this experience with them and my mom was really excited to cross the finish line! It made me reflect on why I got into running to begin with and that every step, even if walking, makes us stronger.

Afterward we caught the parade. These were my Mom and I’s favorite parts of it:

Dogs with a wagon!

Dude rode this thing like a horse!

And these were Neal’s favorites:

And I just had to get a picture of Neal on this thing:

Then we enjoyed our free beer from Grist Brewing Co and walked around the post-race party and 4th of July carnival. We tried Grist’s Kolsch and Hefeweissen, both of which were really good. The Kolsch was a lot closer to a pilsner than what I would normally consider a true Kolsch, but it was still tasty. We will definitely be patronizing their brewery/tap room in the future.

To cap things off, the Humane Society was there with a gaggle of dogs that need good homes. I was so busy petting puppies that I didn’t get pictures of this part, but trust me, they were adorable and I wanted to take every one of them home 😀

I had so much fun with Mom and Neal I forgot for a while that I can’t run right now…

Happy 4th of July!

Becky

Making The Best of a Situation

I haven’t written in over a week and I was thinking about that as I was driving home from work last night. I write when I feel moved, inspired, excited, infuriated, passionate…but apparently not when I’m just melancholy. I guess that’s the best word for my state of mind right now. Perhaps blah. I’m just blah. I’m still injured and it’s been three weeks and one day since I last ran.

This has been a huge challenge to keep my spirits up, maintain my mental peace, deal with stress, and manage my weight since I haven’t been able to run. I’ve been going to physical therapy twice a week and haven’t even tried to press my luck with regard to high impact activities. My leg is getting better, but it’s really slow going and the mind games have fully set in. I’m having thoughts that I’ll never run again, that the depression will return, and that my issues with food, weight, and body image will once again take over. Intellectually, I know this isn’t true. I know that I have the power to fight this off, to stay positive, to maintain the physical and mental progress I have made over the past 10 months, but god dammit, it sure is hard right now.

Last weekend, Neal made a batch of strawberry beer margaritas and I indulged while icing my leg. Tequila made me temporarily forget about my woes, ha ha.

I have a 5K race tomorrow that I registered for before my injury. Until about 5 days ago, I was pretty sure I would be completely sidelined and wouldn’t be able to participate at all. However, the good news, a silver lining here folks, is that I am walking much better. I made the decision not only to walk the race, but to recruit Neal and my mom to walk it with me! We’re going to get all dressed up (of course I have American flag socks – need you ask??) and get some exercise together in the morning. The 4th of July is quite possibly my favorite holiday all year round and I am determined to enjoy it tomorrow, even if my original plan to attempt a PR at the 5K distance isn’t in the cards. We’ll walk, talk, enjoy beer from a local brewery afterward (http://www.gristbrewingcompany.com/ – I’m looking forward to trying their beer!), watch the parade, and enjoy ourselves.

At least I’ll cross that finish line and won’t be a total poser by wearing the shirt in the future and putting the bib on my wall 🙂

If you’re racing tomorrow, good luck and have fun!

Happy 4th of July!

Becky

Running Has Taught Me How To Have Mental Fortitude

Greetings, cyber friends! I haven’t blogged in several days because I’m still injured and frankly, spent all last week throwing myself a little pity party. This injury has really caught me off guard and left me feeling pissed, anxious, frustrated, and ungrateful. I spent hardly any time outside all week and would actually experience envy each time I saw someone out for a jog. I didn’t do any form of exercise all week until Friday evening, when I ended up rowing 5 kilometers and rode on the stationary bicycle for 10 miles. Side bar – why is the rowing machine the only piece of equipment in the gym on the metric system? Is rowing traditionally European, or is the machine just a Brit? I don’t get it, but thanks to running, I know just how far 5,000 meters (5 kilometers) is!

During that workout on Friday, I decided that my pity party was over and it was time to get my shit together and stop moping around. In all likelihood, I will not be injured forever; I need to show a little strength and patience, and train through the injury. I may not be able to run, but by golly, there’s a million other ways to be active and maintain my fitness through this. So I made the decision that while I am allowed to be disappointed about this, I am not allowed to wallow in self pity, cave in, throw all healthy habits out the door, and let the lessons I’ve learned from running go to waste.

I realized that running has taught me how to have mental fortitude – strength, resilience, courage, and bravery through pain or adversity. Running has taught me to push myself, to create new boundaries only to subsequently shatter them. I have learned not only to endure, but to believe in my ability to make it through.

All those hours I have spent pounding the pavement, putting one foot in front of the other, mile after mile, have proven to me what I’m really capable of. I’m strong. I have control over my body, my thoughts, and my attitude. I have the power to find opportunity in challenging circumstances. I am completely in charge of whether this injury sets me back or only temporarily puts me on hold.

I went to the gym again this afternoon and rowed 5 kilometers and biked 15 miles on the stationary cycle. I realized despite an injury keeping me from actually running, I am absolutely still in training. I must still persevere. I was only going to ride 10 miles on the bike, but decided to keep going and treat it like my Sunday long run. Between the rowing machine and the cycle, I spent about 70 minutes sweating like a crazy person, working muscles, chasing that feeling just like I would with a run. It’s all about perspective. Do I miss running? Of course – but I have to take care of my body so it can perform again in the future. That means acknowledging and treating the injury, while making sure to maintain my mental and physical stamina. This will all just me make that much more grateful when the time comes for me to run again, and that is a beautiful thing.

Happy training.

Becky

Trigger Point Dry Needling (TDN)

I had my first physical therapy appointment this afternoon for my injured leg and I was pleasantly surprised with how it went. My Physical Therapist was a woman whom I’m guessing is about my age and is an avid runner and marathoner. She was really friendly, very knowledgeable, and was genuinely interested in my running, how I got started, what my goals were, etc. It was practically enjoyable!

Most of what she did today was stretching, examining, poking, prodding, and bending. She doesn’t think I have an actual stress fracture, but she did use the term “stress injury”. She thinks it’s a case of inflammation/stress of the connective tissue and tendons between the muscles and my tibia. I guess I was relieved to hear she didn’t think it was a stress fracture, but I was a little disappointed to really hear from a professional that this is basically just an overuse injury that will take some time to heal. We can and will do some work to help the healing process, but there’s no pill to prescribe for this type of thing. Ultimately, it will just take time.

Toward the end of our session, she started describing Trigger Point Dry Needling (TDN) and how it’s a really effective form of treatment for this type of problem. She said she has done it many times for similar issues and “swears” by it for recovering from this type of injury. Basically it’s the use of tiny needles (similar to what is used for acupuncture) to “trigger” (poke) the muscle at the “trigger point” (a knot) and cause the muscle to contract and release. Then she asked “is that something you might be interested in trying?”. So I said, sure, why the hell not, whatever it takes to get me running. Then she said “yea?” and looked at me like she was expecting me to say something further, and I said, “you mean like right now??”. Yea, she meant like right now, ha ha. So, what the hell, I said go for it and she did.

This is not me – it’s just an example of TDN.

It was not a sensation I would describe as pain, but it was most definitely uncomfortable. I couldn’t feel the needle poke my skin, but then I could definitely feel it “poking around” in my muscle. The sensation was definitely IN my muscle, I don’t really know how else to describe it. She moved it around a little bit (which wasn’t super pleasant), but then all of a sudden, my muscle gave a good twitch and she said “perfect! that’s all we’ll do today” and it was over. In all, it took maybe 90 seconds. Now I just have some residual soreness, no different from what you experienced after really working a muscle.

I must say, my leg does feel a little better. I’m nowhere near running on it yet, but it does feel a little less painful. I’m trying to remain optimistic about this whole thing and agreed to have her treat me twice a week for the next month to see what we could accomplish.

I’m definitely stressed out about not being able to run right now, but I’m really trying very hard to keep a positive outlook on the whole thing. I’ve been cycling and rowing in the interim, but damn, those sure don’t come close to running 🙂 I will have a new found appreciation for days when running sucks or feels hard after I get through this!

Becky

Unexpected Exhilaration

What an absolutely beautiful and perfect day here today in Colorado! It’s days and weather like this that just kind of make you feel lucky to be alive.

So my left leg is officially injured. I haven’t run since Wednesday night (and I should not have run that night!) and it’s painful to put a lot of weight on my leg, even when walking. I’ve been hobbling around and people at work have all asked what happened, to which my only response is “uh, well, I was running, apparently too much too fast, and uh, I got hurt”. Not a cool story. Injuries that go with a cool story are one thing, but when you injure yourself just going about your daily business? Not cool.

I have decided to go see a physical therapist for this. It’s painful enough and has certainly interfered with my running, it’s probably not a bad idea to let a professional take a look. It can’t hurt and it might actually help quite a bit.

The reality of being forced to take a break from running had really set in by last night. I was feeling anxious, stressed, pissed off, and a little panicked about how long this is going to last. I have come so far in 9.5 months and have accomplished things I never thought I would. Things I never even considered until within that time frame. Running is my raison d’etre (French for “reason to be / reason for existence”). That may be a little extreme, but it has certainly changed my life in all kinds of ways I never could have predicted or dreamed of. I talk a little bit more about what running has done for me in my “About” page if you’re interested. Point being – even the mere thought of being temporarily sidelined has caused all kind of mind games for me, and how did I deal with it last night? I drank half a liter of beer and ate too much. That behavior, turning to food to comfort myself, was definitely a setback. I’m not proud of it, but I refuse to beat myself up over it.

Therefore, I got up this morning determined to shake this off and in need of some physical activity. So I hopped on my bike and set out for an undetermined, but reasonably substantial distance.

This bike is old and kind of ghetto and the gears don’t work really superbly, but it works!

I started on the Mary Carter Greenway trail right near my house and quickly found myself in kind of the set up zone for a 10K/5K race being put on this morning. They actually had part of the trail closed and cordoned off by police cars. I was mildly irritated, which was exacerbated when I stopped to have a quick friendly chat with some ladies setting up a water station (it was an hour before the race, I didn’t interrupt them or get in the way of the race, I wouldn’t do that) and they were quite possibly the most unfriendly race volunteers I’ve ever encountered! Sheesh!

Anyhow – I found myself on the Bear Creek Trail headed west. I ran part of this trail for the first time about a week ago, so I was anxious to go further and explore more of it. It’s spectacular! There are a couple of places where it’s not really well marked, so I had quite a few turnarounds, but I had relaxed a little bit and wasn’t stressing out about it.

The trail eventually ended up in a park with a golf course and ran parallel to the cart path in several places. The scenery was just astounding!

Next the trail wound around and quickly headed up a sizable hill (the golf course was still all around me). I embraced the hills and enjoyed the burn in my quads 🙂

When I had mostly reached the top (I would subsequently realize that the real top of the hill was a better place to stop, which I did, again) I stopped to enjoy the view and eat a little something.

These are new compression socks – I love the blue!

This is what I was eating. Delicious! It’s from my Columbine Classic goodie bag!

People were smiling at me as they rode by and saw me jamming out to music and enjoying the view – I started smiling back at everyone and my mood just became so elevated sitting there taking it all in. I forgot all about my stupid leg (until I stood up on it, ha ha) and had the feeling that I chase when I run. Success.

The real top of the hill was a treat too, and I stopped again to soak up the gorgeous landscape that is Colorado.

Looking west.

Looking east – you can see the profile of downtown Denver on the horizon.

When I felt ready, I made the journey back home. It was incredible and seemed to just fly by. All in all, I was out for 2.5 hours, covered 28.9 miles, and realized that the thing with my leg will pass, and I will be okay. Running has taught me to enjoy life more often – to take in the glory of my surroundings. Whether I’m huffing that gorgeous landscape on foot or on a bike doesn’t change the beauty. It’s no less awe inspiring and serene. I’m no less at peace.

Now it’s a protein shake and the rest of my day ahead!

Happy Saturday!

Becky

Lessons from an Olympian

dis·ap·point·ment noun \ˌdis-ə-ˈpȯint-mənt\
: the state or feeling of being disappointed

: someone or something that disappoints people : a disappointing person or thing

From Wikipedia:

“Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest….disappointment is one of two primary emotions involved in decision-making.”

Tonight didn’t go according to plan, and I’m certainly feeling what we all know as “disappointment” in the truest sense of the word: I had an expectation that failed to manifest. However, instead of falling into this and throwing myself a little pity party, I decided that I’m going to analyze this objectively and rationally.

Let’s back up a little bit. I got home tonight from work feeling more tired than usual, but decided to push myself for a 4 mile run. Sure enough, even just putting on running clothes and lacing up made me feel more awake and excited for my run. I got my stuff together and headed out with the sky looking like this:

I wasn’t too worried though. The air was cool and the plan was to bust out a quick 4 miles and be done. Also, I tried my first Honey Stinger vanilla waffle – um, those things are scrumptious! Why didn’t I try these sooner??

So I ate that like it was a dessert and headed out to run on the crushed gravel path of the High Line Canal because my leg was still hurting a little bit after my Sunday long run.

As soon as I started jogging, I knew the pain I was feeling was not a good sign. It wasn’t initially a shooting or sharp pain, and it even lessened a little bit after about the first quarter to half a mile (yea, I kept going – dumb – I realize that even now, just an hour later). However, all of a sudden, the pain was back – BAM. Pretty sharp shooting pain in my lower left leg. I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s definitely not a muscle or tendon kind of pain, it’s deeper. It actually feels like my bone hurts (my tibia, to be precise). So, not even 1.5 miles in, I turned around and headed back, thinking I would just cut it short of hitting my two mile turnaround point. I didn’t get much farther before I realized I was going to have to walk the whole way back. It really sucked. I got passed by a couple of other runners and felt disappointed, dare I say, embarrassed. The feeling was fleeting though as I realized I was genuinely in pain and needed to simply focus on getting back to my car.

It’s not enough pain to cause tears, definitely not in that territory, but it’s actual pain, not soreness or heavy legs. So I was initially disappointed in myself for not being able to complete a 4 mile run, but then my feelings shifted and I was suddenly disappointed in myself for not paying better attention to my body and doing something, anything else, other than run tonight. My leg has hurt since Sunday and was definitely bothering me during my run last night. Why did I feel the need to push it? What am I trying to prove to myself?

So now the reality of the fact that I’m going to have to dial things back for several days if not a week to determine whether this is a full blown, going to take several weeks to heal, type injury has set in. I’m just so bummed. I was trying to ramp up my weekly mileage and had had some really solid long runs recently and that got in the way of me paying attention to some physiological signals my body was sending me. I know better than this.

Anyway, the good news is that instead of wallowing in this (I know it seems that way, but I’m really just writing about this to process it) I’m choosing to keep a positive attitude. The Wikipedia entry on disappointment goes on to say this:

“In a 2004 article, the journal Psychology Today recommended handling disappointment through concrete steps including accepting that setbacks are normal, setting realistic goals, planning subsequent moves, thinking about positive role models, seeking support, and tackling tasks by stages rather than focusing on the big picture.”

This could not have been stated better. I have to adjust and move forward.

I was humbled by this picture today of Amy Van Dyken-Rouen less than a week after a horrible accident in which her spinal cord was severed. Now here’s a woman who is facing disappointment; a major setback. And look at her here. That is one tough chick and I’d do well to take a lesson from her.

Stay healthy and grateful!

Becky